A Night with the Cultists of the Deep Sea Lodge

     It is Monday night and I've slipped into the local meeting of the cultists of the Deep Sea Lodge. I'm wearing a traditional robe (I will note that this is not the normal cultist black but more of a sea foam green.) and have blended in quite successfully with the crowd. The man addressing the crowd has revealed himself as none other than Pastor Rick from the local Methodist church in our town.

     "I'd just like to open with giving thanks to Bob's wife, she has once more graciously provided us with those chocolate chip cookie bars we all love so much," he said.

     There was quite a bit of applause at this. Apparently, those cookie bars were quite a hit with the cultists. A comment to the effect that Bob must have made a significant sacrifice to the One that Rides Below the Waves to nab himself such a wife was made to the general amusement of the assembly. I was assured that due to the horrific nature of Bob's face that only a sacrifice of the highest caliber would have netted him a wife of that caliber. I was made to understand that Bob was the first member of his family to marry outside of his family tree.

     The meeting moved on apace as Pastor Rick waved for quiet. The next order of business was ideas for public works that the cultists wished to participate in. After many minutes of grueling debate, it was decided that they would adopt a section of Main street and also participate in cleaning of the Vale's End Park. It was also decided that a charity event in the form of a communal garage sale would be set up in order to raise funds for these works and also towards some of the renovations needed at the lodge.

     Afterwards, Pastor Rick called for a brief break while they prepared for the next section: a sacrifice made to the One that Rides Below the Waves. Local teenager Diane Tyrell was brought forth dressed all in white. I was able to catch up with her before the sacrifice and ask her a few questions.

• ME: So, how does it feel to be a sacrifice for the One that Rides Below the Waves.
• DIANE: Oh, I'm very honored to be chosen. Many of my friends have already been chosen and I despaired that I would ever get my turn. Now, I'm proud as punch that I finally get the chance to be sacrificed.
• ME: So, this is sort of a life long dream of yours?
• DIANE: Well, certainly! Doesn't every little girl hope that she is one day worthy of sacrifice to a Greater Old One?
• ME: Any advice that you'd like to give to any hopefuls that dream of one day being sacrificed?
• DIANE: I would say that abstinence is the most important quality within a potential sacrifice. I don't know why these Great Old Ones like a virgin but they do!

     I caught up with Pastor Rick and asked him that questions. He told me that virgin woman's souls were pure and so were much more "tasty" to these non-human entities. Also, on a personal note, he believes that virgins have a pent up "sexual" energy that is like Ben & Jerry's to extradimensional beings.

     I went among the cultists, to get a more "man on the street" view of their worship of the One that Rides Below the Waves. I caught up with Danny Larry David, proprietor of one of the local drugstore, to see what his take on the matter was. He said that worship of OtRBtW (I should have come up with this paragraphs ago) has been a tradition among the males of his family. Dads, brothers, sons, grandsons all participated in the cult from the tender age of 10. He believed it was one of the major reasons that their business ventures succeeded. Except for Uncle Burt. He went further to say that you couldn't blame OtRBtW on that one, Burt was just an idiot. Even a god can't make psychiatry for goats a successful business venture. When asked if Uncle Burt was any good, Danny got a thoughtful look and said that Uncle Burt did cure Jianni of her nighttime munchies.

     That led us to the main event! The sacrifice! Now, normally, I wouldn't stand by for such a thing but as Miss Tyrell had stated this was her dream, I decided to see it come true. The whole event was a big snooze. I found out later that OtRBtW had been a no show at such things for almost one hundred years! So, the Deep Sea Lodge had not sacrificed a single woman since 1917. Speaking for myself, I'm kind of disappointed.

Illegal aliens in Vale's End?

We've all seen the signs. Illegal aliens. Is there anything we can do? I hit the street to see what Vale's End citizens thought of this menace from beyond our borders.

Mitch "2 straight" Mellis (before anyone gets up in arms over his nickname, it is in no way an indication of his sexual orientation but an indication of oral health. We at the Gazette are in no way, shape, or form homophobic or would publish such content. Our own "cat in the field" Terrance has shown definite homosexual tendencies in both his species and interspecies relations.) (I am in no way being coerced at drillpoint into adding that Mitch's dental deformity is not a reflection of Vale's End's dental community. Mitch is known as a dentist avoider.) told this reporter that he believed the new president was taking steps to prevent this. That he was constructing a space wall to keep out "dem illegals." When asked how he was doing it, we were told he was using NASOW. When asked for clarification,  he is quoted as saying "dem that has dem rockets and whatnot. "

Another point of view was given by the Wattly sisters. When asked, they said that these visitors were only filling a need that has been missing in Vale's End. We should not fear them, they only wish our total submission and our cows. When asked, one of the sisters (Agatha I think but I have trouble telling them apart. I think the squiggly eyed one is Agatha.) said, "They seem to have it in for cattle. They hate all livestock, but anything of the bovine persuasion really gets their goat. (She cackled at this point and I ran. That lady has one seriously twisted cackle.)

Local hippie and purveyor of "the green that takes away the mean", Rufus, said, "Man, we ain't gonna know what they are about until we have a real sit down. Real pass the peace pipe kinda stuff. Smoke up until we not only understand the universe and our place in it but theirs too. Then Bam! Harmony. "

From a president building a space walls to bovine racism to hippie peace talks, it doesn't seem like our citizens are divided in what to think. I think it is best summed up by local professional abductee Earnest. "I've been probed by lots of aliens. Some are rough and just shove it in there to get their readings. Some have a lighter touch, letting your anus ease the probe in. Most aliens are in between." When asked about if he thought there was A Mexican problem, which I had been asked by several people in the course of this interview, he told me, "Mexican problem? No, all the Mexicans I know are really stand up people. Only a few are into anal probing but those that are real good at it."

There you have it Vale's End. Some of the illegal aliens are rough so we may have a problem with them. But not all illegal aliens are the same. So, they aren't all a problem. And we don't have A Mexican problem, no matter what the rumors say. They are all good people.